Ah, it's that wonderful time of year when everybody lazily dresses up as a zombie, carves pumpkins and eats way too many sweets and chocolate. As it's a load of old arse, I generally tend to spend Halloween watching a horror movie in the flickershow. This year, seeing as the selfish scallywags behind the Saw franchise have shut up shop, a friend and I went to see the latest Paranormal Activity installment.
Now, I'm not reviewing the flick and I'm not even going to say much about the content. My reason for that being that I simply don't know if I liked it. That's not to say it's one of those films where it's teetering on that fine line between awesomeness and utter farce, it's that the overall viewing exerience was ruined by people who simply don't now how to conduct themselves during a horror flick. Now these aren't your mindless noisy chavs
(whereby you have a chance of getting them to can it if you have the balls to tell them they're pissing you off), they're a different kettle of fish altogether.
The people responsible for my moviegoing frustration are the lads that take a girl to see a horror because all the other films suggest that you're more likely to get some ass if she's shitting herself and you can protect her from the nasty, meanie movie. Now, it'd be bloody lovely if that was the case, but it ain't. For one thing, the ladies are nowhere near as squeamish and easily scared by films as they were back in the nineties. That's no doubt thanks to the influx of slashers and splatter films that have bombarded box offices over the past two decades. The truth is that today there's just as much a chance of a guy shrieking like a girl should a jumpy bit come up - and that's where the problem lies.
You see, it would appear that showing fear (or even being succeptable to being caught off guard by a jump-moment) is a dating faux-pas so severe that will mean you'll never get to see her with her bra off. Of course, to slag anybody off for trying to appear brave is just unfair - we've all done it. What really grinds my gears though is how they go about conducting their futile effort to prove their lack of fear.
Laughing is the first thing that you'll notice. A moment will come up that, if the guy was watching it alone in a darkened room, it would reduce him to a gibbering mess. Naturally then, laughing is a two bird-one stone sort of solution as it not only covers up your wuss-like fear, it shows just how easily you can handle such intensely scary material - meaning that she thinks you're the shit. Of course it'd be slightly convincing if the moment in question warranted even half the laughter it gets. As such, the guy annoys the rest of the theatre as he blunders along his marathon-like quest to get his dick wet.
The other thing that happens isn't rare in films like Paranormal Activity where there's a lot of silence that's punctuated here and there with some pretty hefty jumps. Like everyone else in the cinema, the guy shoots out of his seat (what with it being a completely natural reaction and all) and inadvertently reveals himself to be a pussy human in front of the girl he wants to take horizontal jogging. He knows she saw his female-repellant reaction and so he decides to counter it by, you've guessed it, talking to her about it. Heaven forbid that the girl not think he's a badass.
It's these guys that can also spoil a film for people who aren't sure who they feel about it yet and would quite like to mull it over once the credits start rolling. That's wrecked too though as the guy just cannot leave the cinema without highlighting at volume just how stupid the film is and how it was not scary at all. As such, others assume he's got it right and leave the cinema convinced they've had a bad time - all because he's having a pissing contest with his own sense of fear.
I remember years ago when The Exorcist was re-released in Britain. A number of people I know went to see it (I was 16 at the time so I didn't) and, when I quizzed them on how scary it was, I was informed that it was funny by today's standards. Well years went by and I avoided it as the trailer gave me a week's worth of sleepless nights. Eventually, one Halloween when I was 21 and in university, it was on TV. I decided that I'd have to face that fear if I was to be a film reviewer and so I settled down to watch a film that was almost certainly likely to leave me a mess of a man, quaking in fear as my then girlfriend was asleep in the next room. Well, the film went on and within half an hour I was bricking it and kicking myself as to how I'd left it so long before I'd indulged in the masterpiece. One thing that was certain though, none of that film was funny. It was terrifying. Brilliantly, beautifully haunting stuff. That's when I realised how these "laughers" get on my last nerve.
If you're reading this and feel a little guilty, then don't. It's pretty understandable to want to seem tough and have nerves of steel. Just remember though that you could be ruining the film for others and, if you're being that loud, you're probably over-egging the compensation pie anyway. So just do us all a favour and shut it.
Monday, 31 October 2011
Tuesday, 25 October 2011
Rant: Downloads and the decline of optical media
A few years ago I used to work as a film journalist for DVD Monthly magazine. As well as watching films and cackling like a madman at the idea that I was actually getting paid for it, I was also the mag's hardware editor. As such, my finger was (and still is) well and truly on the pulse when it comes to the latest and greatest innovations to hit lounges around the world to make our viewing experiences a little sweeter.
Over the past decade, the downloading of movies (both illegally and legally) has gone through the roof. Now, for me, that's a pain in the arse for a number of reasons. Firstly, if more people bought DVDs instead of nailing the torrent sites then maybe DVD Monthly wouldn't have shut down and I'd still be in the best job I ever had. So it's worth remembering that every time you download, I blame you a little bit more for the demise of the magazine and my sweet, sweet full-time film journo career.
Secondly, and more obviously, illegally downloading is very flippin' naughty! Yes, everybody does it but if it became the norm then studios wouldn't make any dollar to make new movies. As cinema prices are already sky high, it's worth not exacerbating the situation. Still, it's a vicious cycle as the more expensive cinemas get, the more people will download. I could go on but I'm starting to bore myself which can't be good news for any readers.
Thirdly, and this applies more to legal downloads, if I'm paying £15 for a film then I want something tangible for my cash. I have downloaded films over the years but I don't hold any of them in the same high regard as even a DVD I've paid less for. Maybe I'm on my own with that one, I don't know.
Anyway, the reason I'm grumbling I guess is that I can see how things are going to be in ten years or so. downloading WILL overtake DVD and Blu-ray sales just as iTunes and Spotify have kicked the shit out of CD sales. Similarly eReaders will see books taking a major hit. The really annoying thing though is that I can see why downloading will take off and why I'll eventually be on board with it to a greater extent. Digital files take up sod all space compared with a DVD or a Blu-ray. You can also get them without leaving the comfort of your sofa/table/bed/toilet and they'll arrive a damn sight quicker than the postie can bring a disc to you. To top it all off, as legal downloading increases, it should see illegal downloading start to decline. Still, it's not the same as having a funky Blu-ray with nifty packaging and special features etc. You can't get the Bumblebee figure edition of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen on download for instance. While it's just aesthetics and superficial, it's important. Artwork and all that jazz is a big part of film culture and shouldn't be overlooked. Who ever looked at somebody's hard drive and was impressed at a film collection? Nobody - and that's because a file isn't held in the same regard as a disc. I love it when mates come round my place for the first time and their jaw hits the floor when they see my wall of movies. Smug and snobbish, I know, but I've been collecting for years and I'm kinda proud of it. Imagine the bit in Hot Fuzz where Nick Frost shows Simon Pegg his movie collection - the scene wouldn't have had the same wow factor has Frost just whipped out a hard drive would it?
Still, at the end of the day, I know I'm being hopelessly sentimental about technology that's not even that old. One positive about all this downloading malarkey is that we get dirt cheap DVDs and Blu-rays just weeks after release, so it's not all that bad. I don't implore people not to download as that's fucking stupid and it'd be a hypocritical statement in a few years I could be showing off about my 32 TB hard drive loaded with a fuckton of flicks. But what I will say is you should download legally if you can. If not, I'll blame you for the magazine's closure - and that means you're off my Christmas card list.
Over the past decade, the downloading of movies (both illegally and legally) has gone through the roof. Now, for me, that's a pain in the arse for a number of reasons. Firstly, if more people bought DVDs instead of nailing the torrent sites then maybe DVD Monthly wouldn't have shut down and I'd still be in the best job I ever had. So it's worth remembering that every time you download, I blame you a little bit more for the demise of the magazine and my sweet, sweet full-time film journo career.
Secondly, and more obviously, illegally downloading is very flippin' naughty! Yes, everybody does it but if it became the norm then studios wouldn't make any dollar to make new movies. As cinema prices are already sky high, it's worth not exacerbating the situation. Still, it's a vicious cycle as the more expensive cinemas get, the more people will download. I could go on but I'm starting to bore myself which can't be good news for any readers.
Thirdly, and this applies more to legal downloads, if I'm paying £15 for a film then I want something tangible for my cash. I have downloaded films over the years but I don't hold any of them in the same high regard as even a DVD I've paid less for. Maybe I'm on my own with that one, I don't know.
Anyway, the reason I'm grumbling I guess is that I can see how things are going to be in ten years or so. downloading WILL overtake DVD and Blu-ray sales just as iTunes and Spotify have kicked the shit out of CD sales. Similarly eReaders will see books taking a major hit. The really annoying thing though is that I can see why downloading will take off and why I'll eventually be on board with it to a greater extent. Digital files take up sod all space compared with a DVD or a Blu-ray. You can also get them without leaving the comfort of your sofa/table/bed/toilet and they'll arrive a damn sight quicker than the postie can bring a disc to you. To top it all off, as legal downloading increases, it should see illegal downloading start to decline. Still, it's not the same as having a funky Blu-ray with nifty packaging and special features etc. You can't get the Bumblebee figure edition of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen on download for instance. While it's just aesthetics and superficial, it's important. Artwork and all that jazz is a big part of film culture and shouldn't be overlooked. Who ever looked at somebody's hard drive and was impressed at a film collection? Nobody - and that's because a file isn't held in the same regard as a disc. I love it when mates come round my place for the first time and their jaw hits the floor when they see my wall of movies. Smug and snobbish, I know, but I've been collecting for years and I'm kinda proud of it. Imagine the bit in Hot Fuzz where Nick Frost shows Simon Pegg his movie collection - the scene wouldn't have had the same wow factor has Frost just whipped out a hard drive would it?
Still, at the end of the day, I know I'm being hopelessly sentimental about technology that's not even that old. One positive about all this downloading malarkey is that we get dirt cheap DVDs and Blu-rays just weeks after release, so it's not all that bad. I don't implore people not to download as that's fucking stupid and it'd be a hypocritical statement in a few years I could be showing off about my 32 TB hard drive loaded with a fuckton of flicks. But what I will say is you should download legally if you can. If not, I'll blame you for the magazine's closure - and that means you're off my Christmas card list.
Rant: 3D is shite.
Pirates of the Carribean...in 3D! Thor...in 3D! A Tetley-bastard-tea advert...in 3D!
Despite a hefty amount of the technology having been around for donkey's years, the last few years have played host to a bloody annoying fad - 3D cinema. And yes - it IS a fad and no, I couldn't care less that the likes of Cameron and Spielberg think otherwise.
Let me get one thing straight, I'm not saying that the technology doesn't work and I'm not even saying it's not impressive - what I'm saying is that it's detremental to whole movie viewing process. Yes, it adds depth and everything but if you're paying attention to a technical aspect, how can you be absorbed into the film itself?
There are so many times I've gone to see a 3D film and halfway through I've realised that I've not even noticed the lovely stereoscopicness as I've been engrossed in the movie. Then I find I'm unhooking myself from the film as I start looking at the 3D rather than watching the flick itself and getting all caught up in the story. Other times, the 3D will be so impressive that you're unable to get engrossed in the first place and spend the duration of the film looking at the pretty pictures rather than following any plot - see Resident Evil: Afterlife for an example. It's a ten minute film stretched to feature length thanks to an abundance of supremely tasty 3D slo-mo sequences. I'm not the first person to point that out, but it's true.
The whole situation wouldn't be such a blood-boiler for me if they didn't demand another £5 on top of standard cinema prices (£4 if you're a scab and keep your 3D specs). Naturally it's even worse when they don't have a 2D version available for a fraction of the cost.
I honestly think that within a few years, we'll see people getting fed up with it. It's not like HD where it's a boost in quality and frame transition (leading to a smoother viewing experience) - it's a gimmick. A stylistically cool one at that, but a gimmick nonetheless and one that has viewers passively experiencing the story of the film rather than getting actively engrossed. In fact, there's been a case here or there where I've watched a film in 3D at the cinema and thought it sucked donkey balls, only to watch it in 2D on Blu-ray and liked it a hell of a lot more.
Still, it looks like it's going to be here for a while so I guess I'm going to have to seethe and bear it. I'll try and appeal to common sense in people though: Always opt for 2D if you can - it's cheaper and you can actually experience the film properly.
Right, I'm off to watch The Lion King in 3D and pay the same price I would to actually own it on DVD.
Despite a hefty amount of the technology having been around for donkey's years, the last few years have played host to a bloody annoying fad - 3D cinema. And yes - it IS a fad and no, I couldn't care less that the likes of Cameron and Spielberg think otherwise.
Let me get one thing straight, I'm not saying that the technology doesn't work and I'm not even saying it's not impressive - what I'm saying is that it's detremental to whole movie viewing process. Yes, it adds depth and everything but if you're paying attention to a technical aspect, how can you be absorbed into the film itself?
There are so many times I've gone to see a 3D film and halfway through I've realised that I've not even noticed the lovely stereoscopicness as I've been engrossed in the movie. Then I find I'm unhooking myself from the film as I start looking at the 3D rather than watching the flick itself and getting all caught up in the story. Other times, the 3D will be so impressive that you're unable to get engrossed in the first place and spend the duration of the film looking at the pretty pictures rather than following any plot - see Resident Evil: Afterlife for an example. It's a ten minute film stretched to feature length thanks to an abundance of supremely tasty 3D slo-mo sequences. I'm not the first person to point that out, but it's true.
The whole situation wouldn't be such a blood-boiler for me if they didn't demand another £5 on top of standard cinema prices (£4 if you're a scab and keep your 3D specs). Naturally it's even worse when they don't have a 2D version available for a fraction of the cost.
I honestly think that within a few years, we'll see people getting fed up with it. It's not like HD where it's a boost in quality and frame transition (leading to a smoother viewing experience) - it's a gimmick. A stylistically cool one at that, but a gimmick nonetheless and one that has viewers passively experiencing the story of the film rather than getting actively engrossed. In fact, there's been a case here or there where I've watched a film in 3D at the cinema and thought it sucked donkey balls, only to watch it in 2D on Blu-ray and liked it a hell of a lot more.
Still, it looks like it's going to be here for a while so I guess I'm going to have to seethe and bear it. I'll try and appeal to common sense in people though: Always opt for 2D if you can - it's cheaper and you can actually experience the film properly.
Right, I'm off to watch The Lion King in 3D and pay the same price I would to actually own it on DVD.
Monday, 24 October 2011
Movie moments to get you fired up
Sometimes a moment pops up in a film that's more than just a feel-good moment, it's a scene that gets you jacked up enough to go out and headbutt a bull. Have a look at this handful and tell me I'm wrong.
"Let's finish the game!" - Young Guns II - Blaze of Glory (1990)
So Billy the Kid and the rest of the Regulators are fucked. Lincoln County sheriff Pat Garrett has discovered his old chums holed in an old house. Billy (Emilio Estevez) and Doc (Kiefer Sutherland) have a little spat and the latter storms out when "BOOM!" Doc gets a big fat bullet to the chest. As Billy and the rest of the gang try fruitlessly to pick off the law that's got the house surrounded, our anti-heroes soon discover that they've got no options left when Doc gets up and through blood-soaked lips utters the words, "Let's finish the game."
Grabbing a pair of guns, he bursts out of the house and takes a load of gunfire as all bar Billy manage to escape as Doc drops to the ground a heroic martyr.
Rocky and Dixon go toe to toe - Rocky Balboa (2007)
After an hour and a half of watching an aging Sly doing his best to recover his former glory, the whole Rocky saga boiled down to a scrap that was better than pretty much all of the other bouts in the series. Filmed in the style of a real ESPN match, Rocky dug deep until the final round. As the seconds die down, Rocky and reigning champ Mason "The Line" Dixon go hell for leather trying to knock a new shade of shit out of each other. The result is a battle that's more tense and electrifying that anything to happen in real-life boxing - even when Tyson bit Holyfield's lug off.
"Fuck you!" - Wanted (2008)
Wesley is a bit of a pussy to say the least. First of all he lets his bitch of a boss intimidate him despite only being armed with a stapler and he's also standing idly by as his supposed best mate, not so subtly, slams his girlfriend. Things change however when he discovers he's imbued with shit-kicking assassin skills and has a cool few million dollars to his name. Naturally he responds accordingly by making his boss look like a twat before belting Barry in the face with his keyboard so hard that the letter keys and Barry's dislodged molar fly off spelling "FUCK YOU". Lovely.
Cyclops finally stomps ass - X-Men 2 (2003)
A bit of a personal one this as I was a massive X-Men fan as a kid and Cyclops was my favourite mutant. While I liked X-Men, my major gripe with it was that Cyclops was nothing short of being a bloody wuss. Letting Wolverine sniff around his slamming hot telekinetic other half, Jean Grey, Cyclops just stood there like a floppy cock whereas his comic book counterpart would have thrown down with Weapon X.
Still, in X2, we finally got to see what Cyke could do when he and Xavier visit Magneto's cell and only to find out it's an ambush. Reeling on his assailants, Scott Summers proceeds to beat the snot out of the goons with some bad-ass martial artistry before finally being put on his arse. Shame that's all Cyclops fans got out of the series really.
"Good luck!" - Taken (2008)
Really speaking, when it comes to Taken and moments to get you fired up, you could stick the entire film into this list. However, if you have to pick one stand out moment, it's got to be the moment Liam Neeson's Bryan Mills tricks his daughter's kidnapper into saying "good luck" and giving the game away - leading to Mills coolly and calmly fucking the entire room up without breaking a sweat. Nice.
"Get me Vaughn" - Major League (1989)
After giving blood sweat and tears, hopeless baseball outfit Cleveland Indians have battled their way to the final of the World Series where they take on the New York Yankees. After slugging it out for eight innings, pitcher Harris is knackered. When Cleveland's nemesis Haywood takes the plate, Indian's coach Lou Brown walks to the mound and tells Harris to take a well deserved rest as he calls in a replacement - pointing to the gate utters three words, "Get me Vaughn."
Cue an opening chord ringing out across the stadium as Rick Vaughn emerges to a frenzied crowd welcoming him to the diamond chanting Chip Taylor's Wild Thing. Hands down the coolest thing Charlie Sheen has ever done - including Denise Richards and the whole "bi-winning" thing.
"Let's finish the game!" - Young Guns II - Blaze of Glory (1990)
So Billy the Kid and the rest of the Regulators are fucked. Lincoln County sheriff Pat Garrett has discovered his old chums holed in an old house. Billy (Emilio Estevez) and Doc (Kiefer Sutherland) have a little spat and the latter storms out when "BOOM!" Doc gets a big fat bullet to the chest. As Billy and the rest of the gang try fruitlessly to pick off the law that's got the house surrounded, our anti-heroes soon discover that they've got no options left when Doc gets up and through blood-soaked lips utters the words, "Let's finish the game."
Grabbing a pair of guns, he bursts out of the house and takes a load of gunfire as all bar Billy manage to escape as Doc drops to the ground a heroic martyr.
Rocky and Dixon go toe to toe - Rocky Balboa (2007)
After an hour and a half of watching an aging Sly doing his best to recover his former glory, the whole Rocky saga boiled down to a scrap that was better than pretty much all of the other bouts in the series. Filmed in the style of a real ESPN match, Rocky dug deep until the final round. As the seconds die down, Rocky and reigning champ Mason "The Line" Dixon go hell for leather trying to knock a new shade of shit out of each other. The result is a battle that's more tense and electrifying that anything to happen in real-life boxing - even when Tyson bit Holyfield's lug off.
"Fuck you!" - Wanted (2008)
Wesley is a bit of a pussy to say the least. First of all he lets his bitch of a boss intimidate him despite only being armed with a stapler and he's also standing idly by as his supposed best mate, not so subtly, slams his girlfriend. Things change however when he discovers he's imbued with shit-kicking assassin skills and has a cool few million dollars to his name. Naturally he responds accordingly by making his boss look like a twat before belting Barry in the face with his keyboard so hard that the letter keys and Barry's dislodged molar fly off spelling "FUCK YOU". Lovely.
Cyclops finally stomps ass - X-Men 2 (2003)
A bit of a personal one this as I was a massive X-Men fan as a kid and Cyclops was my favourite mutant. While I liked X-Men, my major gripe with it was that Cyclops was nothing short of being a bloody wuss. Letting Wolverine sniff around his slamming hot telekinetic other half, Jean Grey, Cyclops just stood there like a floppy cock whereas his comic book counterpart would have thrown down with Weapon X.
Still, in X2, we finally got to see what Cyke could do when he and Xavier visit Magneto's cell and only to find out it's an ambush. Reeling on his assailants, Scott Summers proceeds to beat the snot out of the goons with some bad-ass martial artistry before finally being put on his arse. Shame that's all Cyclops fans got out of the series really.
"Good luck!" - Taken (2008)
Really speaking, when it comes to Taken and moments to get you fired up, you could stick the entire film into this list. However, if you have to pick one stand out moment, it's got to be the moment Liam Neeson's Bryan Mills tricks his daughter's kidnapper into saying "good luck" and giving the game away - leading to Mills coolly and calmly fucking the entire room up without breaking a sweat. Nice.
"Get me Vaughn" - Major League (1989)
After giving blood sweat and tears, hopeless baseball outfit Cleveland Indians have battled their way to the final of the World Series where they take on the New York Yankees. After slugging it out for eight innings, pitcher Harris is knackered. When Cleveland's nemesis Haywood takes the plate, Indian's coach Lou Brown walks to the mound and tells Harris to take a well deserved rest as he calls in a replacement - pointing to the gate utters three words, "Get me Vaughn."
Cue an opening chord ringing out across the stadium as Rick Vaughn emerges to a frenzied crowd welcoming him to the diamond chanting Chip Taylor's Wild Thing. Hands down the coolest thing Charlie Sheen has ever done - including Denise Richards and the whole "bi-winning" thing.
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